brain dump

every so often, i like to sort of take stock of where I am, what i've been doing and where I'm going. Cause life is so crazy I don't necessarily get to process each day as it happens. I've been better about sort of processing significant chunks of my life and incorporation them into my brain and stuff, but after a good conversation tonight, I feel a little bit like "woah, who was that talking to Stephanie? cause that really didn't seem like me." but it was and I wonder if maybe I need to process and assimilate to catch up with life Post-Urbana.
So, shortly after getting back from Urbana, I received my first interview invitation for graduate school. Which is sort of like... surviving the main baseball season and going to the playoffs from the whole region, not a wild card. It's pretty significant. Something about my application was interesting enough to all 5 schools that they all wanted to meet me and entice me to attend their school. I tend to be pretty humble (hopefully not to the point of finding pride in my humility) and I don't take dissapointment or rejection well. So, I had definatly set my expectations low. I figured I'd get rejected or no interview from like.. maybe 2 of the 5 schools. I kinda already knew which ones I could gracefully accept the "thanks but no thanks" reply from and it not rock my world too much. But there was no rejection. I know it may happen still. I could bomb one interview or rub one professor the wrong way and then not get a spot in the program, but I could also get accepted everywhere. I dunno. Dabney asked me the other week, "Did you not think that God was going to give you this thing that you're so passionate about?" And that question has kind of stuck with me. Am I to the point where I can trust some of the desires of my heart to be in line with God's desires? Has He grown me partially out of my selfishness to the point that I am able to desire the things that He desires for me? I know I've grown a lot in 3 years, but I've always kind of had this feeling like my desires and wants are suspect and that I have to test each thing that I think I want; like I have to take it to God and almost run it by Him to see if it's okay for me to want it.
I guess the underlying issue is I'm still trying to work out that whole "ask and ye shall receive" idea. I'm always, always adding on "if it's in His will" in my head. I think to some extent, it's that idea of dissapointment that I want to avoid. That if I ask for something and it doesn't happen, that I'll be let down by God. And if something I ask for is really NOT what God has planned, shouldn't I trust Him to show me my desire wasn't correct? He's all about showing me when I've strayed away, when I'm really kind of out in left field and not following like I said I would. I know He's faithful in that (and so many other things) so why am I afraid to trust him to answer my requests? the evidence really matches reality that He's for me and works all things to my good, but my faith is so small. Heck, it's not even like it's blind faith at this point, I used the word "evidence" just a second ago, so I'm putting a tangible, real concept into the situation. There's the idea that we're looking forward to the day when our faith is sight, but I feel like I've seen already, at least part of God. So what's with this little faith?! I'm always too hard on myself though. I always have been, but now that thing i'm measuring myself against is so much bigger, I want to just instantly change. thankfully, God doesn't do that.
God's working on my trust issues. Trusting Him more and trusting others. I am admittedly probably one of the worst passengers in a car, ever. Especially if i'm riding shotgun. I side-seat drive all the time. I have been blaming this on the two fairly signficant accidents I've been a passenger in over the past 4 or so years. And while it's a valid point, it's no excuse for assuming everyone I'm in the car with is going to crash and injure me. So I'm asking Karsten to drive more, because of everyone in the world, I trust him most. And I'm working on not flipping out when Bridget takes a very short distance to stop behind the cars in front of us. And by not flipping out I mean I'm making a decision to not grab the door or push my foot into an invisible break or say anything. Amanda has admitted to me that she's just assumed I'll get over my issues and so she doesn't need to change her driving habits when I'm in the car with her, and I'm not sure how helpful that is, but at least I know where she stands.
I feel like I've rambled and processed about all I can for tonight. i'm exhausted from a long day and a long night of Crash and after event s'mores. If anyone is reading and has made it this far, congrats.