nearly everytime i go to roanoke...

maybe it's a coincidence, maybe it's not, but it seems like we fight about something almost everytime I am in roanoke. And being here, I feel like I need to be spending time with my parents, or doing whatever it is we've planned to do while I'm in town, but at the same time I know I need to be on the phone with him discussing whatever has come up this time.
So what do I do? I've apologized, not fully and I plan on saying I'm sorry again when we talk, but when all we have the time to do is exchange text messages or leave each other IMs, that's all I can do. How can I respond if he's still upset? I have a feeling he may be stewing over this one since we have yet to talk about it and there's probably a lot more he needs to say. So I guess I sit and listen, try to convey to him that I understand he's upset but other than apologizing and explaining that I was confused and made a mistake, what else can I say? If he's upset that I was planning on doing something a day taht he couldn't come, what can I say? "Well, I'm sorry, but it was something I wanted to do whether you could be there or not, and I wanted to have someone else to hang out with if you weren't going to be there." We're not married, not engaged, there's no reason why I can't do something we both enjoy even if he's working or moving or whatever. We have to be able to do something things independently, because even when we do get married, we're not going to be attached at the hip and we shouldn't be. Yes, I should have told him about this and I thought I had but i guess I forgot. He's exhausted when he gets home from work, I can't tell if he wants to talk or if he'd rather just hang up and go to bed, so how can we have decent conversations to talk about it anyways? I love him, but I just don't know how I'm going to deal with him if he's still angry. This isn't that big of a deal, is it? It seems like it was a miscommunication and I've already apologized and tried to explain my mistake and clarify the situation. I don't feel like this is the sort of thing that could or would destroy the relationship, but I am tired of having arguments everytime I go home! If I talked to my mom about the arguements we get into while I'm home, she'd probably think we fight all the time. I just wish he'd get home from work so we could talk and I could stop worrying about whether or not he's mad, trying to anticipate what he'll say and how I respond to him. But I'm guessing he's gonna get home from work right about the time I need to be at the dentist, so it'll have to wait till much later this afternoon before we can talk. Going to the dentist is bleh enough already, I really don't want to go with an upset stomach and tense jaw (which is how all the stress from my move and this arguement is affecting me).
I'm just so frustrated with fighting and not being able to talk about it in person, I feel like if I could sit down and talk to him face to face it would be much easier. And if we didn't have to do all this stupid long-distance stuff anyways, this wouldn't have happened in the first place. I know married people fight over stupid stuff and serious stuff on a pretty regular basis, so I know being married wouldn't fix our arguing, but at least then I'd be able to see him pretty much every day and talk about stuff more. I just really want to clear this up so when I do get to see him saturday this isn't hanging over us.

I'm not sure what to think. He just all of a sudden deleted his journal. Just poof, gone. I haven't really talked to him all day. His away message said he was having a bad day, and the last journal entry he wrote, a few hours before deleting it, said he was having a bad day and that there was no point in bothering him today. After 2 years you'd think I'd know if those kinds of broad, general statements applied to everyone, or everyone but me. But I don't understand him. Some days he gets upset when I don't tell him exactly what's bother me, yet I'm supposed to just sit back and accept that things will bother him and he needs time and space to figure it out alone. I'm not going to call him, because if he's in bed or trying to fall asleep, he'll be grumpy with me. I texted him earlier, and he never replied, so he's either not near his phone (for like 3 hours) or he doesn't want to talk. So I guess I'll just let him stew in whatever is ticking him off and hopefully he'll get over it. If it's a series of commercials upsetting him, I could smack him. It's absolutely stupid to let commercials ruin your entire day (or week). And that is a matter of letting them get to you, one can decide that any annoyance really isn't that big of a deal. We've got a BIG God who puts tiny annoyances and temptations into a rather harsh perspective that shows them for what they are, we really have no excuse for letting these things run away with us. So I guess there's really only one thing I can do for him, pray. And I'll hope that nothing more serious happened, like a fight with his folks or something.
*sigh* i just don't understand him sometimes (ok, much of the time...)

brain dump

every so often, i like to sort of take stock of where I am, what i've been doing and where I'm going. Cause life is so crazy I don't necessarily get to process each day as it happens. I've been better about sort of processing significant chunks of my life and incorporation them into my brain and stuff, but after a good conversation tonight, I feel a little bit like "woah, who was that talking to Stephanie? cause that really didn't seem like me." but it was and I wonder if maybe I need to process and assimilate to catch up with life Post-Urbana.
So, shortly after getting back from Urbana, I received my first interview invitation for graduate school. Which is sort of like... surviving the main baseball season and going to the playoffs from the whole region, not a wild card. It's pretty significant. Something about my application was interesting enough to all 5 schools that they all wanted to meet me and entice me to attend their school. I tend to be pretty humble (hopefully not to the point of finding pride in my humility) and I don't take dissapointment or rejection well. So, I had definatly set my expectations low. I figured I'd get rejected or no interview from like.. maybe 2 of the 5 schools. I kinda already knew which ones I could gracefully accept the "thanks but no thanks" reply from and it not rock my world too much. But there was no rejection. I know it may happen still. I could bomb one interview or rub one professor the wrong way and then not get a spot in the program, but I could also get accepted everywhere. I dunno. Dabney asked me the other week, "Did you not think that God was going to give you this thing that you're so passionate about?" And that question has kind of stuck with me. Am I to the point where I can trust some of the desires of my heart to be in line with God's desires? Has He grown me partially out of my selfishness to the point that I am able to desire the things that He desires for me? I know I've grown a lot in 3 years, but I've always kind of had this feeling like my desires and wants are suspect and that I have to test each thing that I think I want; like I have to take it to God and almost run it by Him to see if it's okay for me to want it.
I guess the underlying issue is I'm still trying to work out that whole "ask and ye shall receive" idea. I'm always, always adding on "if it's in His will" in my head. I think to some extent, it's that idea of dissapointment that I want to avoid. That if I ask for something and it doesn't happen, that I'll be let down by God. And if something I ask for is really NOT what God has planned, shouldn't I trust Him to show me my desire wasn't correct? He's all about showing me when I've strayed away, when I'm really kind of out in left field and not following like I said I would. I know He's faithful in that (and so many other things) so why am I afraid to trust him to answer my requests? the evidence really matches reality that He's for me and works all things to my good, but my faith is so small. Heck, it's not even like it's blind faith at this point, I used the word "evidence" just a second ago, so I'm putting a tangible, real concept into the situation. There's the idea that we're looking forward to the day when our faith is sight, but I feel like I've seen already, at least part of God. So what's with this little faith?! I'm always too hard on myself though. I always have been, but now that thing i'm measuring myself against is so much bigger, I want to just instantly change. thankfully, God doesn't do that.
God's working on my trust issues. Trusting Him more and trusting others. I am admittedly probably one of the worst passengers in a car, ever. Especially if i'm riding shotgun. I side-seat drive all the time. I have been blaming this on the two fairly signficant accidents I've been a passenger in over the past 4 or so years. And while it's a valid point, it's no excuse for assuming everyone I'm in the car with is going to crash and injure me. So I'm asking Karsten to drive more, because of everyone in the world, I trust him most. And I'm working on not flipping out when Bridget takes a very short distance to stop behind the cars in front of us. And by not flipping out I mean I'm making a decision to not grab the door or push my foot into an invisible break or say anything. Amanda has admitted to me that she's just assumed I'll get over my issues and so she doesn't need to change her driving habits when I'm in the car with her, and I'm not sure how helpful that is, but at least I know where she stands.
I feel like I've rambled and processed about all I can for tonight. i'm exhausted from a long day and a long night of Crash and after event s'mores. If anyone is reading and has made it this far, congrats.