god first, family second

It's hard being the only Christian in my family. My sister may say she is, but unfortunatly, she doesn't really get it. I don't really get it, but I'm actually active in trying to understand and relate with God. It's especially hard because Em and my brother in law are flying back east for christmas, cashing in most of their vacation days from work, and it's a christmas present from my folks to them. Herb wants to see his family for Christmas, and then they're driving to roanoke for the days between christmas and new years (well, more like they're getting a ride half-way and will need to be picked up somewhere between northern VA and roanoke). I didn't tell them until I knew their flight dates that I was going to be at Urbana (big, once-every-three-years missions conference with IV) for the second half of their trip. I also couldn't really delay in signing up for Urbana because of the $75 jump in price and the fact that even if I had waited, it wouldn't have changed the fact that I feel God's calling me to go.
My sister did not take well to the news that I was going to a conference while they were back east. I could pretty much hear how angry she was through the email and she used some strong language to convey her feelings. I tried to explain to her some of the more spiritual reasons I have for attending Urbana (God's calling, being equipped to be an effective witness in my life ahead, etc.), because apparently the simple logic (it's only once every 3 years, I don't know where i'll be in three years so this may be my only chance to attend this conference) made her feel like i was choosing to spend time with my friends over time with my family. She glossed over my suggestions to get around the issue of my being away when they're in Roanoke, so I retiterated that I was willing to drive to Northern VA to see them, even plan to shorten my time in Roanoke before Christmas so that I would be in northern VA when they arrived. I can only hope that that's enough to help Emily see that I do care about her and my brother in law and I do want to see them, it's just unfortunate that I'm not going to be available for half their visit.
Now, part of me, in the back of my mind is going "why can't they come to Roanoke for Christmas? my parents are paying for the tickets, not Herb's parents, why can't we get them for Christmas and they can spend the other half in northern VA. Why can't they be flexible in their plans? Am I not worth enough for them to simply swap the order in which their vacation is planned?" But I know that's not really good thinking. It's not the way Em and Herb work, Herb's made up his mind, so that's what they're doing. It's rough though, because I just don't know if Emily will ever understand my "God First, family second" mindset/worldview. I don't know if she'll understand the idea that God could actually be calling me to Urbana and that being able to live my life for Jesus while still having a 'career' of sorts is important to me.
i love my family, but it is so frustrating sometimes.

venting

When something offends you, and does so on a regular basis or incredibly deeply, what do you do? If it's an organization or company that is supposed to be providing a service to you, complain. If it's the bumper sticker on the car in front of you, well you can't really get out of your car and walk up to the driver's window, knock and when they roll down their window begin to tell them their bumpersticker is offensive. And you can't rear-end them either. You just sorta hafta go on with your life. You can complain and talk about it with your friends, discuss how offensive it was and how you wonder why on earth anyone would think that. But in the good ol US of A, you can't tell them they're not allowed to have that bumper sticker just because it offends you. The ACLU might try and tell me I can't have a jesus fish on my car one day, but I'll fight that battle when I get there.
But for now, I am allowed to write whatever I want in my own online journal. Just like many of my friends can write and post some really absurd stuff in their journals that I don't agree with. But there was one 'friend' in particular whose posts often included semi-nude photos of her and/or her friends. And her entries often discussed in vague detail some sexual content from her life. She also complained a lot. One day, when I just couldn't deal with seeing those kinds of pictures anymore when I went to read my friend's page, I just removed her as a LJ friend. I could have reported her for posting pornography on that website, but it was infrequent and it didn't seem to offend anyone else who read her journal. But when it offended me regularly and sometimes quite strongly, I chose to ignore it. The benefits to me being huge, including I no longer have that in my face, trying to tempt me back into sexual sin.
So... when someone replies to my livejournal post (actually a comment in reply to someone else on my OWN entry) and tells me it's offensive and my beliefs are bullshit, it's really REALLY tempting to say "well, don't read it then." But knowing that she's grieving because her friend died very suddenly and unexpectedly, I struggle to extend grace and clarify. I have to draw a line between explaining where I stand and trying to explain the really tough, paradoxical aspects of Christianity, like having hope in God through grief. Because if the two sentances about my faith in the other note offended her, she's certainly not going to want to listen to me explain that i have hope in eternal life because of my salvation and that everyone else can have that too and death is much easier to deal with when we've got that hope. And I can't say to her "well, you blaming God is a bunch of hooey, he didn't do this, we did it to ourselves." she won't understand it, it wouldn't be loving her, not one bit. But I also can't deny the truth or apologize for my faith. So, she'll probably still be offended by my reply because I didn't renounce God because of a single tragedy, that I didn't agree with her. But I can live with that.

First Crash

Tonight was the first CRASH of the 2006/2007 school year. We had a VCU alum, Jodi, come and speak. The big draw for folks was that Jodi has actually been on a number of MTV reality shows like Road Rules. We had a ton of first-timers there and hopefully we'll see some of them again. Jodi was bold in her testimony and a lot of leadership people who weren't involved in planning crash said it went really well. My heart broke for the folks who were there and didn't have Jesus. Jodi played Jeremy Camp's "I'll Take You Back" at the end of her talk because it was a really meaningful song for her and her return to faith and relationship with Jesus and then we played 3 worship songs for folks to be able to like sit and listen to and think about or sing along.The last song was "everything" which I hadn't heard before. And the chorus (i think it was the chorus) was about "how can I not be moved by you when you're here" or something and I just prayed so hard that God would just draw these people to himself and really was just in tears (though, i'll admit, i was worried i looked like a big spaz crying in my seat so i tried to stop) remembering where I was three years ago. I am physically exhausted and may not be able to speak very loudly tomorrow, but this event was spiritually fufilling in so many ways. It's in God's hands if anyone else felt that way.

angry and with reason

tonight I had a pretty substantial experience. Romans 12:9 says simply "hate what is evil; cling to what is good." This verse is something that I've understood for a long time, it's pretty straightforward and I've certainly been taught and exposed to the idea that we're not supposed to understand evil, but through the holy spirit we are able to recognize it and hate it. My experience with hating evil had, until tonight, been in a rather ... third person sort of sense. As in, it was all occuring to someone else in a way I couldn't fully comprehend because I wasn't experiencing it. I still hated evil, but in a rather mild way, not spending too much time dwelling on it. I had other things I had to focus on at that point and certainly needed significant growth in my faith (take the log out of my own eye before i try and remove the speck from my brother's, that sort of idea).
Over the past week and 1/2 God has reminded me of just how far I've come. I've heard some interesting ideas about faith from old friends and one new acquaintance, a guy at summer fellowship. My old friends, the UU friends, talked a lot about pluralism. And God gave me the strength and boldness to openly disagree with them, that we were not headed in the same direction on different paths, something I wasn't able to do in the past. Probably from a lack of faith, or simply not wanting to be uncomfortable, and those lies just sounding so comforting (because if everything gets you to God, I don't have to worry about my friend's souls. but that's not true, so I do worry.) And from summer fellowship guy, i've heard all kinds of lies. Excuses that because we're saved, it doesn't matter if we shoplift from the store, and it's okay if we do drugs if we're seeking God through that experience. And tonight, I hated the lies that I heard. I hated the whisperer of those lies and I had to fight the urge to fall to my knees in the street and pray against the evil working on this guy's mind (it's hard to pray for someone when you're unconcious from being hit by a car). I don't know how to describe it, other than I'm ready and anxious to take up the arms described in Ephesians 6 and fight the battle against the evil. My prayers are the best weapon I've got, yet they feel inadequate. I guess I really identified with where this guy is, seeing how I used to believe so many lies about God, and it just infuriates me. It nearly cost me everything, and I don't want to stand by idly while satan claims souls with these lies. If I ever wondered whether or not Crash Team was where i should serve IV, tonight has solidified that's where i'm supposed to be.

Time for a change?

First ever post! I've been using LiveJournal for a long, long time. I've actually created an account mainly to keep up on AK's piebald blog and post comments, cause I miss me some Alex Kirk. For any interested in reading the journal i write in most frequently go here: maysmith.livejournal.com
This may become the main journal i post in, but as it stands quite a few of my non-Christian friends read the LJ site and I'll keep on writing there to share my story as God helps me grow daily, hopefully it'll help them understand God better.
But here's a quick spiritual update anyways! I really understand what Jesus was talking about when he said the world would hate us, especially lately. I had a friend I haven't spoken to in almost 2 years InstantMessage me out of the blue and start arguing with me that, logically, my faith was... well incorrect, to put it nicely. Not to mention he insisted on arguing his case at midnight, when i desperatly needed to be sleeping instead of trying to explain God's love. But God has been so faithful in my other friendships, working in hearts when I've felt like I failed miserably at conveying the truth. I keep praying for my lost friends though, because I know that's really where the work is going to be done. (I bet my friend who tried to argue with me for an hour the other night has no idea the floodgate of prayer he's opened up! haha, go Jesus!) God continues to grow me and show me the areas I'm still so immature in with my faith, especially through these conversations with my friends and getting feedback and guidance from my more mature Christian friends. Amanda discipled me pretty much all last school year, and oh man I don't know what I would have done without her.
I'm also applying for church membership at WestEnd Presbyterian Church here in Richmond so I can get baptized. Yeah, I've been putting it off and there's no good reason except it was scary to me (I'm still trying to figure that one out, all I know for sure is that it was part of that old self that God's helping me grow out of). I'm really hoping to plan it so my parents can come to town and be at the church with me that day. We'll see how God works it all out.