nearly everytime i go to roanoke...

maybe it's a coincidence, maybe it's not, but it seems like we fight about something almost everytime I am in roanoke. And being here, I feel like I need to be spending time with my parents, or doing whatever it is we've planned to do while I'm in town, but at the same time I know I need to be on the phone with him discussing whatever has come up this time.
So what do I do? I've apologized, not fully and I plan on saying I'm sorry again when we talk, but when all we have the time to do is exchange text messages or leave each other IMs, that's all I can do. How can I respond if he's still upset? I have a feeling he may be stewing over this one since we have yet to talk about it and there's probably a lot more he needs to say. So I guess I sit and listen, try to convey to him that I understand he's upset but other than apologizing and explaining that I was confused and made a mistake, what else can I say? If he's upset that I was planning on doing something a day taht he couldn't come, what can I say? "Well, I'm sorry, but it was something I wanted to do whether you could be there or not, and I wanted to have someone else to hang out with if you weren't going to be there." We're not married, not engaged, there's no reason why I can't do something we both enjoy even if he's working or moving or whatever. We have to be able to do something things independently, because even when we do get married, we're not going to be attached at the hip and we shouldn't be. Yes, I should have told him about this and I thought I had but i guess I forgot. He's exhausted when he gets home from work, I can't tell if he wants to talk or if he'd rather just hang up and go to bed, so how can we have decent conversations to talk about it anyways? I love him, but I just don't know how I'm going to deal with him if he's still angry. This isn't that big of a deal, is it? It seems like it was a miscommunication and I've already apologized and tried to explain my mistake and clarify the situation. I don't feel like this is the sort of thing that could or would destroy the relationship, but I am tired of having arguments everytime I go home! If I talked to my mom about the arguements we get into while I'm home, she'd probably think we fight all the time. I just wish he'd get home from work so we could talk and I could stop worrying about whether or not he's mad, trying to anticipate what he'll say and how I respond to him. But I'm guessing he's gonna get home from work right about the time I need to be at the dentist, so it'll have to wait till much later this afternoon before we can talk. Going to the dentist is bleh enough already, I really don't want to go with an upset stomach and tense jaw (which is how all the stress from my move and this arguement is affecting me).
I'm just so frustrated with fighting and not being able to talk about it in person, I feel like if I could sit down and talk to him face to face it would be much easier. And if we didn't have to do all this stupid long-distance stuff anyways, this wouldn't have happened in the first place. I know married people fight over stupid stuff and serious stuff on a pretty regular basis, so I know being married wouldn't fix our arguing, but at least then I'd be able to see him pretty much every day and talk about stuff more. I just really want to clear this up so when I do get to see him saturday this isn't hanging over us.

I'm not sure what to think. He just all of a sudden deleted his journal. Just poof, gone. I haven't really talked to him all day. His away message said he was having a bad day, and the last journal entry he wrote, a few hours before deleting it, said he was having a bad day and that there was no point in bothering him today. After 2 years you'd think I'd know if those kinds of broad, general statements applied to everyone, or everyone but me. But I don't understand him. Some days he gets upset when I don't tell him exactly what's bother me, yet I'm supposed to just sit back and accept that things will bother him and he needs time and space to figure it out alone. I'm not going to call him, because if he's in bed or trying to fall asleep, he'll be grumpy with me. I texted him earlier, and he never replied, so he's either not near his phone (for like 3 hours) or he doesn't want to talk. So I guess I'll just let him stew in whatever is ticking him off and hopefully he'll get over it. If it's a series of commercials upsetting him, I could smack him. It's absolutely stupid to let commercials ruin your entire day (or week). And that is a matter of letting them get to you, one can decide that any annoyance really isn't that big of a deal. We've got a BIG God who puts tiny annoyances and temptations into a rather harsh perspective that shows them for what they are, we really have no excuse for letting these things run away with us. So I guess there's really only one thing I can do for him, pray. And I'll hope that nothing more serious happened, like a fight with his folks or something.
*sigh* i just don't understand him sometimes (ok, much of the time...)

brain dump

every so often, i like to sort of take stock of where I am, what i've been doing and where I'm going. Cause life is so crazy I don't necessarily get to process each day as it happens. I've been better about sort of processing significant chunks of my life and incorporation them into my brain and stuff, but after a good conversation tonight, I feel a little bit like "woah, who was that talking to Stephanie? cause that really didn't seem like me." but it was and I wonder if maybe I need to process and assimilate to catch up with life Post-Urbana.
So, shortly after getting back from Urbana, I received my first interview invitation for graduate school. Which is sort of like... surviving the main baseball season and going to the playoffs from the whole region, not a wild card. It's pretty significant. Something about my application was interesting enough to all 5 schools that they all wanted to meet me and entice me to attend their school. I tend to be pretty humble (hopefully not to the point of finding pride in my humility) and I don't take dissapointment or rejection well. So, I had definatly set my expectations low. I figured I'd get rejected or no interview from like.. maybe 2 of the 5 schools. I kinda already knew which ones I could gracefully accept the "thanks but no thanks" reply from and it not rock my world too much. But there was no rejection. I know it may happen still. I could bomb one interview or rub one professor the wrong way and then not get a spot in the program, but I could also get accepted everywhere. I dunno. Dabney asked me the other week, "Did you not think that God was going to give you this thing that you're so passionate about?" And that question has kind of stuck with me. Am I to the point where I can trust some of the desires of my heart to be in line with God's desires? Has He grown me partially out of my selfishness to the point that I am able to desire the things that He desires for me? I know I've grown a lot in 3 years, but I've always kind of had this feeling like my desires and wants are suspect and that I have to test each thing that I think I want; like I have to take it to God and almost run it by Him to see if it's okay for me to want it.
I guess the underlying issue is I'm still trying to work out that whole "ask and ye shall receive" idea. I'm always, always adding on "if it's in His will" in my head. I think to some extent, it's that idea of dissapointment that I want to avoid. That if I ask for something and it doesn't happen, that I'll be let down by God. And if something I ask for is really NOT what God has planned, shouldn't I trust Him to show me my desire wasn't correct? He's all about showing me when I've strayed away, when I'm really kind of out in left field and not following like I said I would. I know He's faithful in that (and so many other things) so why am I afraid to trust him to answer my requests? the evidence really matches reality that He's for me and works all things to my good, but my faith is so small. Heck, it's not even like it's blind faith at this point, I used the word "evidence" just a second ago, so I'm putting a tangible, real concept into the situation. There's the idea that we're looking forward to the day when our faith is sight, but I feel like I've seen already, at least part of God. So what's with this little faith?! I'm always too hard on myself though. I always have been, but now that thing i'm measuring myself against is so much bigger, I want to just instantly change. thankfully, God doesn't do that.
God's working on my trust issues. Trusting Him more and trusting others. I am admittedly probably one of the worst passengers in a car, ever. Especially if i'm riding shotgun. I side-seat drive all the time. I have been blaming this on the two fairly signficant accidents I've been a passenger in over the past 4 or so years. And while it's a valid point, it's no excuse for assuming everyone I'm in the car with is going to crash and injure me. So I'm asking Karsten to drive more, because of everyone in the world, I trust him most. And I'm working on not flipping out when Bridget takes a very short distance to stop behind the cars in front of us. And by not flipping out I mean I'm making a decision to not grab the door or push my foot into an invisible break or say anything. Amanda has admitted to me that she's just assumed I'll get over my issues and so she doesn't need to change her driving habits when I'm in the car with her, and I'm not sure how helpful that is, but at least I know where she stands.
I feel like I've rambled and processed about all I can for tonight. i'm exhausted from a long day and a long night of Crash and after event s'mores. If anyone is reading and has made it this far, congrats.

god first, family second

It's hard being the only Christian in my family. My sister may say she is, but unfortunatly, she doesn't really get it. I don't really get it, but I'm actually active in trying to understand and relate with God. It's especially hard because Em and my brother in law are flying back east for christmas, cashing in most of their vacation days from work, and it's a christmas present from my folks to them. Herb wants to see his family for Christmas, and then they're driving to roanoke for the days between christmas and new years (well, more like they're getting a ride half-way and will need to be picked up somewhere between northern VA and roanoke). I didn't tell them until I knew their flight dates that I was going to be at Urbana (big, once-every-three-years missions conference with IV) for the second half of their trip. I also couldn't really delay in signing up for Urbana because of the $75 jump in price and the fact that even if I had waited, it wouldn't have changed the fact that I feel God's calling me to go.
My sister did not take well to the news that I was going to a conference while they were back east. I could pretty much hear how angry she was through the email and she used some strong language to convey her feelings. I tried to explain to her some of the more spiritual reasons I have for attending Urbana (God's calling, being equipped to be an effective witness in my life ahead, etc.), because apparently the simple logic (it's only once every 3 years, I don't know where i'll be in three years so this may be my only chance to attend this conference) made her feel like i was choosing to spend time with my friends over time with my family. She glossed over my suggestions to get around the issue of my being away when they're in Roanoke, so I retiterated that I was willing to drive to Northern VA to see them, even plan to shorten my time in Roanoke before Christmas so that I would be in northern VA when they arrived. I can only hope that that's enough to help Emily see that I do care about her and my brother in law and I do want to see them, it's just unfortunate that I'm not going to be available for half their visit.
Now, part of me, in the back of my mind is going "why can't they come to Roanoke for Christmas? my parents are paying for the tickets, not Herb's parents, why can't we get them for Christmas and they can spend the other half in northern VA. Why can't they be flexible in their plans? Am I not worth enough for them to simply swap the order in which their vacation is planned?" But I know that's not really good thinking. It's not the way Em and Herb work, Herb's made up his mind, so that's what they're doing. It's rough though, because I just don't know if Emily will ever understand my "God First, family second" mindset/worldview. I don't know if she'll understand the idea that God could actually be calling me to Urbana and that being able to live my life for Jesus while still having a 'career' of sorts is important to me.
i love my family, but it is so frustrating sometimes.

venting

When something offends you, and does so on a regular basis or incredibly deeply, what do you do? If it's an organization or company that is supposed to be providing a service to you, complain. If it's the bumper sticker on the car in front of you, well you can't really get out of your car and walk up to the driver's window, knock and when they roll down their window begin to tell them their bumpersticker is offensive. And you can't rear-end them either. You just sorta hafta go on with your life. You can complain and talk about it with your friends, discuss how offensive it was and how you wonder why on earth anyone would think that. But in the good ol US of A, you can't tell them they're not allowed to have that bumper sticker just because it offends you. The ACLU might try and tell me I can't have a jesus fish on my car one day, but I'll fight that battle when I get there.
But for now, I am allowed to write whatever I want in my own online journal. Just like many of my friends can write and post some really absurd stuff in their journals that I don't agree with. But there was one 'friend' in particular whose posts often included semi-nude photos of her and/or her friends. And her entries often discussed in vague detail some sexual content from her life. She also complained a lot. One day, when I just couldn't deal with seeing those kinds of pictures anymore when I went to read my friend's page, I just removed her as a LJ friend. I could have reported her for posting pornography on that website, but it was infrequent and it didn't seem to offend anyone else who read her journal. But when it offended me regularly and sometimes quite strongly, I chose to ignore it. The benefits to me being huge, including I no longer have that in my face, trying to tempt me back into sexual sin.
So... when someone replies to my livejournal post (actually a comment in reply to someone else on my OWN entry) and tells me it's offensive and my beliefs are bullshit, it's really REALLY tempting to say "well, don't read it then." But knowing that she's grieving because her friend died very suddenly and unexpectedly, I struggle to extend grace and clarify. I have to draw a line between explaining where I stand and trying to explain the really tough, paradoxical aspects of Christianity, like having hope in God through grief. Because if the two sentances about my faith in the other note offended her, she's certainly not going to want to listen to me explain that i have hope in eternal life because of my salvation and that everyone else can have that too and death is much easier to deal with when we've got that hope. And I can't say to her "well, you blaming God is a bunch of hooey, he didn't do this, we did it to ourselves." she won't understand it, it wouldn't be loving her, not one bit. But I also can't deny the truth or apologize for my faith. So, she'll probably still be offended by my reply because I didn't renounce God because of a single tragedy, that I didn't agree with her. But I can live with that.

First Crash

Tonight was the first CRASH of the 2006/2007 school year. We had a VCU alum, Jodi, come and speak. The big draw for folks was that Jodi has actually been on a number of MTV reality shows like Road Rules. We had a ton of first-timers there and hopefully we'll see some of them again. Jodi was bold in her testimony and a lot of leadership people who weren't involved in planning crash said it went really well. My heart broke for the folks who were there and didn't have Jesus. Jodi played Jeremy Camp's "I'll Take You Back" at the end of her talk because it was a really meaningful song for her and her return to faith and relationship with Jesus and then we played 3 worship songs for folks to be able to like sit and listen to and think about or sing along.The last song was "everything" which I hadn't heard before. And the chorus (i think it was the chorus) was about "how can I not be moved by you when you're here" or something and I just prayed so hard that God would just draw these people to himself and really was just in tears (though, i'll admit, i was worried i looked like a big spaz crying in my seat so i tried to stop) remembering where I was three years ago. I am physically exhausted and may not be able to speak very loudly tomorrow, but this event was spiritually fufilling in so many ways. It's in God's hands if anyone else felt that way.

angry and with reason

tonight I had a pretty substantial experience. Romans 12:9 says simply "hate what is evil; cling to what is good." This verse is something that I've understood for a long time, it's pretty straightforward and I've certainly been taught and exposed to the idea that we're not supposed to understand evil, but through the holy spirit we are able to recognize it and hate it. My experience with hating evil had, until tonight, been in a rather ... third person sort of sense. As in, it was all occuring to someone else in a way I couldn't fully comprehend because I wasn't experiencing it. I still hated evil, but in a rather mild way, not spending too much time dwelling on it. I had other things I had to focus on at that point and certainly needed significant growth in my faith (take the log out of my own eye before i try and remove the speck from my brother's, that sort of idea).
Over the past week and 1/2 God has reminded me of just how far I've come. I've heard some interesting ideas about faith from old friends and one new acquaintance, a guy at summer fellowship. My old friends, the UU friends, talked a lot about pluralism. And God gave me the strength and boldness to openly disagree with them, that we were not headed in the same direction on different paths, something I wasn't able to do in the past. Probably from a lack of faith, or simply not wanting to be uncomfortable, and those lies just sounding so comforting (because if everything gets you to God, I don't have to worry about my friend's souls. but that's not true, so I do worry.) And from summer fellowship guy, i've heard all kinds of lies. Excuses that because we're saved, it doesn't matter if we shoplift from the store, and it's okay if we do drugs if we're seeking God through that experience. And tonight, I hated the lies that I heard. I hated the whisperer of those lies and I had to fight the urge to fall to my knees in the street and pray against the evil working on this guy's mind (it's hard to pray for someone when you're unconcious from being hit by a car). I don't know how to describe it, other than I'm ready and anxious to take up the arms described in Ephesians 6 and fight the battle against the evil. My prayers are the best weapon I've got, yet they feel inadequate. I guess I really identified with where this guy is, seeing how I used to believe so many lies about God, and it just infuriates me. It nearly cost me everything, and I don't want to stand by idly while satan claims souls with these lies. If I ever wondered whether or not Crash Team was where i should serve IV, tonight has solidified that's where i'm supposed to be.